Reasons for not writing

I am having trouble writing today, so I decided to write about all the reasons I can't goes...

Reasons for not writing:

I was told at a young age that I was good at it. It seems like one of my most natural talents. And what if I finally do take the time to focus on it, and I am not successful? What if I run out of excuses – no time, no money in it—and actually do write, and it goes nowhere. I am afraid that it will turn out to be an empty promise, like an old lover on the back burner who actually doesn’t think of you at all these days. And you get all dressed up, and wear makeup, and meet for lunch, only to find out he is gay.

I can’t sit still. I am antsy. I fidget. I eat too much. My habits suck. Everything will be going fine and then all of a sudden, I feel too much resistance from the keys on the keyboard. They didn’t feel so stiff yesterday. Maybe this room has gotten too humid. Then off to check the thermostat.

I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. All the characters are real. And besides, the only way to write is to be honest – otherwise it is just too much of a struggle. And so this inner monologue – this haunting cadence of self-doubt and anxiety—would spill forth onto a page and dangle out in the open air like some grotesque testicles in a room full of angry cat claws. The vulnerability would be too great. As I lay dying in some ditch on the side of the road, I would wonder about the toxic missive saved deep in the annals of my hard drive. What will they think when they read it? All my ugly thoughts on paper—emotional carnage served up on a platter to my loved ones post mortem: “I had no idea she was so unsettled underneath.”

Writing is like some child, begging her parents for a pony, until their will is broken, and they relent, draining the family savings. And then the pony sits in its stall, unexercised and ungroomed, and the whole family tells the girl it’s a shame. She was given a gift, which she’s left to grow arthritetic and old, alone in a dark stable room.

...that's all for now.

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